Emily

So I've had this want lately to strengthen my relationship with God. I am going on a spiritual retreat I think sometime in December with mom and I'm actually looking foward to it. I also want to go to this church concert on Saturday. The group is called Incluesion from northern virginia and they are everything from folk to Christian rock. I want someone to go with tme though. I realized that I dont have a friend to really help nurture/talk to about my spiritual side with. I don't really think a lot of my friend are religious except maybe for Sam who I know really went to church in high school. Maybe she would want to go. Erin hasn't been to church in a while either.

I don't mean that I want to become Christian and devote my life to Christ but I feel a lot better the day after I pray and I just feel like a big weight has been lifted from my shoulders. Also I was at Mr. Bradshaws results party the other night and we all prayed before dinner and it was just a really nice feeling in the room. His voice was very calming and it just seems like such a nice feeling to have blind faith/belief in something. I want something to believe in.

Part of me feels like my writing is my way of being a bit closer to God because even though I don't want someone reading my journal, I write as if someone was to read it someday or someone is reading it now. I wonder one day if these journals will be discovered/published/studied by someone in the future. I've written on every important milestone in US History- after 9-11 for sure, but I also remember writing on the day Colombine happened and the Oklahoma bombings also. Maybe these journals will be seen as a vocice of a generation growing up in a before and after 9-11 world. Maybe I'll publish these one day when I'm old and have made my mark on the world.

I'm really glad that I've discovered my love for journaling so early on because its cool to have doctumentation of my life as I saw it as it happened. It is really an introspective process to see who you were then and read journals and about experiences which brought you to yourself in the present.

Current Mood: peaceful

I really don't know what to write tonight, the more and more I watch the news the more and more empathetic I feel for the people who are in the area, who have lost people, who were in the classrooms, who skipped class that morning or the student who dropped a class in one of those rooms only months before.

I feel sorry for the killer. I can't help but think how sad a life he must have led where he felt like this was the answer. What if he had that one person in his life who took the extra minute to get to know him? That one person who he could relate to or make feel life was worth living for. Everyone needs or should be lucky enough to have that in their lives.

I hate how everyone is calling it a massacre, that word just sounds so violent and they don't really think of how it affects the people who have had loved ones killed in that "massacre". They're not just a number in the "new record" of people killed but they're the son or daughter or brother or sister that will never come home from school. I am missing school more and more as the week goes on.

I feel extremely homesick feeling like I should be with my friends at Radford and at Virginia Tech during this time. I know this didn't happen at Radford but just 15 minutes down the road. I went there so many times with friends and to visit friends from high school. I've been trying to find places around town I could go to but I haven't been able to find anything.

William and Mary had a vigil only it was at like 7 last night so I didn't get to know about it until I got home from work and it was too late. During times like these I like do something of a bigger scale. Maybe it makes me feel like I'm more than just me or that its just more comforting knowing that I am not alone in how I feel. I feel like my outlet has not been met yet.

One of the girls who died was named Emily Jane... how random is that... you never know when life may end abrutptly. That is one of the things that my mom was saying when I tell her I worry a lot, the things that you are least likely to think was going to happen is the one that gets you in the end. I just wanted to let all my friends and family know I love them very much and I'm thinking and praying for everyone.

This entry is really going outside of my comfort zone so please read with an open mind. I haven't told anyone this before...

"Ask, and it will be given unto you; search, and you will find; knock, and the door will be opened for you. For everyone who asks recieves, and everyone who searches finds, and for everyon who knocks, the door will open" ~Matthew 7:7-8

Todays church service was really good and thought provoking. It was about prayer and what it is and who exactly you're supposed to be talking to. Basically the conclusion that I got was that is was up to the individual. Listen to what your heart is asking for and listen to it. The minister said that it's not that God isn't listening becuase he doesn't answer but sometimes silence is just what you need. Just getting it off your chest is good. I think for me writing/journaling is a form of prayer because I write as if I'm talking to someone when in reality I don't know if I would be comfortable with people reading everything, maybe one day.

Religion has always been something that I keep quiet about because I honestly don't know where I stand. When I was four I was at my parents friends pool. All the kids were splashing around and playing and the grown ups were sitting by the pool talking and whatnot. I was taking swimming lessons and so I was playing on the edge of the pool but I was still in the water. They didn't have the rope up between the shallow and deep end, so I slipped on the ramp going to the deep end. I rmemeber trying to get back to the edge and trying to get my breath. I also remember looking up at the left corner and seeing a man standing on the side of the pool looking at me. He had a long robe type thing on and shoulder lengh hair with a bright linght behind him. He jumped/dove in to the water and pulled me out, but while he pulled me out I could see that he handed me to my mom and then the next thing I know I was laying on the concrete next to the pool spitting out water.

Now I've been told that my dad was who pulled me out of the water but I didn't see that at all. My mom and dad said that even that day I asked who was the man in the white robe. I feel like that should be my answer for what is beyond, but at the same time I am a Unitarian (where we have to learn the answers we need from ourselves) and I am a Psych major at the same time. I question that aspect of life. One of my probabilities is that life can either be hell or heaven depending on how you choose to react or make do with situations you are given in life; or that there is a God but the only thig he does is provide you with life and the rest is up to you so therefore if you are a good person and help others then you will be rewarded for your efforts later.

I wouldn't call myself a Christian though. I do believe that Jesus was a man who walked the earth and was an amzing leader and teacher but I dont know if I believe that he died for everyone. He could have been a man like Gandi, MLK or Mother Theresa and someone wrote an embelished biography.

Another step I took on my spiritual journey was during my second easter at school. I went home with my friend Katie for the weekend and we ended up going to a Penticostle church. It was a very different experience for me becuase it was in the mountains of Southwest Virginia with bajos and people crying and juping around. I think that I got very emotional when everyone around me was cying. The minister came up to me after the serveice and said that he could tell that I was lacking something (Jesus). For some reason I started sobbing uncontrollably. He walked me up to the alter and started saying a prayer. After that I felt very calkm and stopped crying almost as fast as I started. I still don't know why I did that, but at the same time I don't feel like I need to analyze it because at that moment I was doing what I needed to. I may never know why I'm so private about my spiritual journey so far, but its something I'll figure out in time.

Current Music: The Fray~ How To Save A Life

Yea that basically sums up how I've been feeling lately. I told my dad tonight that I feel like I have no life and he said basically I don't. Since I'm in the "transition process" from going from all I know is school and now I'm about to start his whole other life and honestly I am scared shitless. I've always been mediocre in school. Not getting great grades, going along passing but all the while people saying "I know you can do better if you just apply yourself". I don't want my life to be people thinking that man she could really be something if she just applied herself. I also feel like I've been going along the last four and a half years not really being good at what I was majoring in and yet now I have no clue what I want to do becuase I was in classes I didnt like when I could have been trying out different things. I feel like all my friends want to do what they majored in, my roomamtes both last semester were teachers, my friend went to flight school and he loves it. I feel like my life lacks passion and I hate having nothing to look forward to. At this time in my life i should be in my prime. I feel like everyone has something to look forward to whether it be weddings coming up in the near future or just something. I don't feel excited when I wake up in the morning and I miss that.

wholy crap I had a weird dream this morning. I had a dream that for some reason, the weekend after graduation (but school was still in session) I went back down to radford to visit Rachel and Matt... we were at this hotel, which was actually one that I had stayed at when I went to the beach and I bought some mikes hard lemonaid. For some reason the guy at the hotel saw all three of us coming back into the hotel and decided to ID us all... unfortunetly at the time neither matt or rachel showed him their ID so he thought they were both under age and he stuck me with providing alcohol to a minor... twice. Some how matt and rachel dissapeared so I trid to find them but ended up driving home four and a half hours BAWLING instead. Because this meant that I couldn't get my depoloma until everything was settled I get home and am tryign to tell my parents whats going on but I look at my cell phone and I have like 7 missed calls and I can't stop crying. I tried to listen to them but I was so upset. About a week had passed and I got this manilla envelope in the mail and I open it and its my charges along with an old school report card... like the paper ones and on it were my best grades i got this semester all changed to D's. Becuase I got a D in my psychology class then I couldn't graduate because my gpa wasn't high enough. Then I woke up... CRAZY

Well I graduated. The actual act of going across the stage was quite a blur for me. I didn't hear anyone yell or clap really. I think that I was just so much concentraiting on not falling and not messing up the hand shake. I got to sit next to Jenny which was really good for me because we started in Radford together in Stuart freshman year. We met the first or second day of school and its just awesome that she was there when we graduated. I saw Julie there too which was really cool. I didn't go out or anything the night of grdaution. I ended up getting a head ache since my parents didn't want to eat till like 9 that night so I felt like crap. It hit me after dinner that I had graduated so I cried a little bit. The next morning I turned in my key and my brother drove my car home. t was so strange driving away from Radford for the last time but I wasn't as sad as I thought I would be. The people who I said goodbye too I knew I would see again becuase they live just 45 mins from me at home. I was actually pretty ready to move on to the next stage in my life. It was the perfect time for me to leave.

The holidays flew by for me. It really didn't feel like Christmas much at all this year. I think that with the combination of the warm weather and me moving back home it just got lost in the shuffle. Everything is moved back into my room with my computer on my right and the window overlooking the pasture to the left. It really hasnt been too bad living at home so far. Of course we have our ups and downs but nothing has been completely horrible. We had a little holiday party on Saturday for Graduation/ Holidays and I got to see a lot of people who I haven't seen in over 4 years. It was great that I got to see my friend Kate. We kind of lost touch throughout the highschool years but have kept in touch because of facebook during college and it was great seeing her again. We live in the same town now again so we'll have to hang out more often now. I also got to see Jenna and meet her Fiance Josh, michael, erin came and andrew. My friends Rachel and Alicia came up from Va Beach and helped out with the party, putting things together and stuff. It was a great group of people and we ended all playing Trivial Persuit Pop Culture Edition. It was great to see everyone hanging out with different people other than the ones they know. I think thats my favorite part of parties is seeing everyone interactin with new people and getting to know people again.

I applied for my first real job the other day. I applied for the Management Trainee program for Enterprise Rent a Car. THe website really interested me and they had a huge emphesis on customer service and it just seems like a great place to get my feet wet. The starting salery isn't too bad either. I applied online and they called me back today with more questions so we'll see where that goes. I am supposed to know more by friday. I'm excited to move on to the next part of my life and get my own apartment and what not. I am very happy with the way my life is going right now and I just can't wait to see it grow. I hope everything is going well for all of you and I can't wait to visit Radford soon.

Current Music: 13 News

So yea.... I graduate in T minus 10 hours. It really hadn't hit me all day and then for some reason I was driving around radford with my brother and i started to feel sick. I had the hick ups all during dinner so that just didn't sit well. I kept going to the bathroom thinking I was going to throw up but I ended up just burping and going back in the other room. Then I watched a home made video to the song of Learning to Fly and it was in Radford. Everything just got put into place and it really hit me and I started BAWLING! Well that made me feel better so now I'm watching Best Year Ever and hanging out with my roommate. I feel bad that my brother is at the bar at the hotel by himself and now I feel better but for a while there I wanted to call my parents and have them take care of me. I think that I'm just really emotional and not really sure how to express it. I know this is a really random post but yea I'm gona head to bed!

So usually when I've been wanting to write I just start the entry and then never end it. This time I'm going to end it hah. Gosh nothing really new has been going on in my life much. I'm graduating radford in about a month and a day. I can't believe that I'm actually going to be graduating finally after 4 1/2 years. I had a huge blast from the past last night. A guy I had like this MAD crush on IMed me randomly and sent me a picture of what he looks like now. Its amazing how time changes things. He still is cute don't get me wrong but its just different looking at him now vs how I saw him back in the day. He's married now and doing his own thing and I haven't talked to him in like 2 years which is why it was SO random that he IMed me. Some of Gods greatest gifts are unanswered prayers.

I've been doing NRHH this semester and that is beginning to come to a close. It is really nice this semester not hving so many meetings and being at everyone else's beck and call. I always felt that I was who I was based on what other people wanted of me and now I realize that I don't have to label myself through that. Some friends I had through organizations who I was good friends with I'm not really hanging out with anymore but at the same time I've gotten so much closer to some other people who I didnt expect to. I love having an apt and a room to myself. I really feel like I've matured a lot this semester. Whats going on with other people and their drama is just really not my thing anymore. Not that it was a huge deal back in the day but it was something to talk about. I have more important things to do now.

I am so excited to go home to PA and see my family. I look forward to Thanksgiving more than any other time of the year because my parents grew up two blocks away from each other in the same town so we have double the dose of families. We don't have to travel to more than one place and we usually stay at my Gran's house (dads mom) and then go over and visit Grandma and Grandpa (moms parents) I can't wait to see cousins and second cousins and aunts and uncles. I was never very family oriented as much as I am now any ways up until 2 years ago. It was my Uncle Scotts wedding. I just saw everyone come out and people from different generations and everything. I can't believe that I have 4 generations on my dads side of the family. My cousin Jennifer had a baby back in march and this is the first time I get to go see it since It was born. SO excited. My Aunt Sherri is pregnant and due to give birth any week now so hopefully she'll have the baby over the break when I was there.

THere is only one thing that I'm kind of nervous about is seeing my Grandma. She has the early stages of alzheimers and my mom and I have to help cook Thanksgiving dinner. Its just going to be weird because she has her good days and bad days and whenver I call her on the phone she seems to be haivng good days so I get to see the full effect of it. Not really sure how I feel about it. We'll see. I have to be strong. Well I guess thats pretty much it for now. I have to go hang up publicity around the halls but those of you who read this now know whats been goin on in my life. Good times.

Here is a little Poem I wrote about Radford.

Only one month and ten days left in the semester,
My four years at Radford are going to be gone.
During freshman year I thought college was going to last forever
I never realized it would make me so strong.

The extracurricular activities were never just for the resume'.
I made friends who will be with me through the years,
Last semester all I wanted to do was stay
Now I realize that I didnt want to face my fears.

Leaving friends and leaving the comfort was a scary thought.
I wasn't ready for what life was about to bring
Moving back in with my parents my suck a lot,
What will happen when I don't have classes this spring.

Radford was the time of my life for the last four and a half years
It was the place where I cover came most of my fears.

Lately I've just felt like something is missing. I feel in a way that that spark that used to make me unique has burnt out. I don't think I am depressed but something is definitely different. I've been going through a rough patch this semester and I just feel like I am getting lost beneath it. I don't really feel like I'm fun to hang out with anymore. I've been out about twice since the beginning of the semester. I'd much rather just hang out in my apartment with friends and a movie and popcorn. I don't have my positivity as much anymore and I just feel tired all the time. I want more than anything to feel like myself again, I just don't know how.

Current Mood: blah

This is a poem I wrote when I found out my grandma fell, she's ok, but I'm torn about how I feel...

Everything is the same
The interstate, the mountains
The exit, the city

Going there was full of happy memories
Cousins, family, Thanksgiving and Easter
Friends, food, comfort and connection

Family is one of the most important things in life
You were always so strong and full of life
You were my favorite memory of going home

Everything is different
You talk about the past in your sleep
You yell out and cry when you don’t know anyone is listening

You fell the other day coming out of church
The ambulance took you away but you got to come home
Nothing is going to be the same

Part of me want to be there for you, to hold your hand and
Tell you that you’re little girl is here
Part of me is selfish and wants to run in the other direction
I want my memories the way I remember them
before the pain

What is today?
9/11; 9-1-1; September Eleventh
The motivation is gone
I skipped my first class
Whats the point?

I'm just one college kid in a world
Where people blow up each other for a cause
Do you believe in anything so much
You would die for it?

Going to class, putting on make up
talking with friends, doing homework
What difference am I making?
People lost
mothers, fathers, daughters, sons husbands
And for what?

A cause that no one will know of until they die
And here I am
Going about my day
I feel so insignificant in so many ways.

Well today has been interesting so far. ITs been one of those days where I just want to be by myself, but at the same time the last thing I want to do is be alone... I feel today athat I'm really done with the whole college atmosphere. Classes are getting old, drinking is still fun but I'm ready for more important things to be the center of conversations and plans for the weekend. I feel like I'm definetly ready to grow up. I want to be out on my own with my own appt, my first job, and interacting with real guys who aren't into just hooking up on the weekend at frat parties. I feel more independent this semester and I think a lot of that had to do with what happened at the end of last semester. I like having my on campus appt, but at the same time I feel like I'm missing out on a lot of stuff or missing out on seeing people on campus or something. I can't believe that I'm graduating in December because before I leave I still feel like I have a lot I want to get done or do. I have been out once since I got here. I guess I should go out more and spend time with people because I have a limited amount left.

Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: Sugarcult~ Head Up

This weekend was one of the best weekends I've had in a long time. Jenna Robin and I all went to Nags Head for the weekend. We started hanging out again this summer probably like about a month and a half ago. We had a thursday night dinner and we picked up right where we left off. We were sitting around one night and we were talking about how we should go have a girls weekend at the beach. We were going to go to Va Beach but couldnt find anything less than like $250 a night and so Robin had the idea that we should go to the outer Banks. I researched some stuff online and saw a really cute Motel on the ocean for only $135 a night which would even out to $90 a person for the weekend. On friday Jenna had to help Josh (her fiance') move into his new house. After that she had to meet with the church about the wedding so we left around 8:00 and got there at like 11. The entire way down we talked. Friday night we got there and just ended up hanging out till 3 am just talking. Saturday we woke up around 9 and went to this Grits and Grill place to eat. While we were waiting we went and looked around a few stores. Round 11:30ish we went out to the beach. The water was FREEZING! We hung out on the beach and then headed up to the pool and chilled in there for a while. Around 3:30 we got tired and had nap time. We got ready for dinner and headed out. We went to Dirty Dicks and realized that it was ALL sea food and expensive so we left there. We ended up going to Slammin Sammys and that was really good. I got a great Grilled Chicken salad. After that we went to Brew Thru and there was this guy who was working there named Zach who was pretty cute and totally flirting with Jenna haha. He gave me a dollar off my t-shirt. We picked up some smirnoff and headed back to the motel. We just sat on the back deck of the motel and drank and talked.

I am a big person in believing that things happen for a reason and I know why I didnt get that job at Radford this summer. I was meant to get back in touch with Jenna and Robin. I feel a lot more complete now. I think that the last four years I was searching for people to compare to the friendship that we had in high school and I never found it. ITs so cool how much we have all grown over the last four years with the different things that we've done. We're all greek by some way, shape or form which is funny I think. We were all talking about why we had those four years of being estranged from each other and we came to the conclusion that we had never NOT been with each other. Robin and Jenna knew each other in 5th grade and then I met them both in 6th. We were inseprable ever since. I think that we needed this time to realize who we were without each other and to branch off and make other friendships and relationships to relize how much we really did miss each other. I'm so greatful that I came home this summer. ALl my pictures are on Facebook for those of you who have it!

Current Mood: grateful
Current Music: Justin Timberlake

My grandparents and family got to go back the day after they evacuated. Yay!

Man I haven't written in like over a month. I'm having a pretty good summer so far. I've been to California at the beginning of June and that was really a trip of a lifetime. I had the best time ever. It was bitter sweet because it was my last conference and yet it was one of the best. Only one person who was at my first conference was at my last. that was strange. My usual group of people were gone and I realized that I need to leave conferences as I remember them, some of the best weeks of my life.

I think that the real reason I'm writing is because of my grandparents. They live in North Eastern PA and they got evactuated. They had a huge flood hit their town in 1972 and I just can't imagine them having to do it all over again. I think for me the saddest thing would be realizing that the safe haven then I go to every Thanksgiving and Easter would no longer be there.

Maybe thats a selfish reason but I really like being able to eat one dinner at my grandma and grandpa's with my one set of family and then waiting 4 hours and walking down the block to my Gran's house with all the family and stuff. The last few years I've REALLY started to think about family and how important it is in life.

I think the turning point for me was my Uncle Scotts Wedding. I got to meet generations of my family that may not be here for much longer and having that sense of a room full of people loving you unconditionally is just amazing. I love having a big family. Everyone coming together and the memories that you have for the rest of your life.

A lot of my stories or my best memories from childhood are the Thanksgivings arguing about who is sitting at the kids table AGAIN this year (usually that happens when the older kids reach about 18 and then the year later they forget why they cared) or the easter egg hunts in the back yard and finding that one egg that has a dollar in it. From cousins dropping TV's on each other to having children of their own. I can't wait to see my family in August... I think I'm getting homesick for them. Only time will tell what will happen with the flood and hopefully everyone could say a little prayer for me and my family.

Current Mood: sad

Today is my first day off since training. I only worked 3 days in a row but its ok. The cleaning people are here and I am hiding out in my room because I always feel bad when I'm there and someone is cleaning after me. I feel like I should help out or something. I'm watching E! because its True Hollywood Story month and they're showing like EVERYTHING you could imagine. I'm gonna go work out today because I haven't worked out in 2 days and I paid for the work outs. A week from today I will be in Radford hanging out and then flying to California the next day. I can not WAIT! Another thing I can't wait for is getting paid. I'm waiting on both my last check from school and my first pay check from farm fresh. Probably both of those will come while I'm gone and I have to pay my parents back for fixing my computer so thats where my school pay check is going to. Well I think the cleaning people are gone so its time for breakfast. This was a really random update, but I dont know who reads this anymore so oh well.

Well I'm home for the summer and things are the same so far. I haven't started working yet because I have to go back through cashier training since its been more than 6 months since I worked at Farm Fresh last. I really dont mind that. The thing that I DO mind is driving a half hour on the interstate to get to the place. Can they pay me back for gas? Its from 4-9 on Friday night and then 9-4 on Saturday. I was supposed to go to Richmond this weekend, but thats not gonna happen. I'm pretty bummed about that actually because I was looking forward to seeing Alex. Its been like a month and a half since I saw him last and its just funny how some people walk back into your life after some people walk out and I miss that.

Things this summer have been alright so far. I havent felt that weird home sick feeling for school yet even tho I know that a lot of people are still there for the summer. I've started this new work out program at the rec center which is fun. I'm becoming obsessed, but I'm not one of those people who eat afterwards and can justify it by saying I went to the gym. I feel bad. I feel guilty. I think I'm a social eater. At school I don't really care about eating because everyone eats on a normal schedule. Here my parents hardly eat at all so the food in the house is the food I ask them to buy and it makes me feel like a heffer. I'm sure I'll get over it, but my goal is to get toned up.

I think that the reason that I started writing was because I felt lonely. Its been two weeks and I haven't really talked to people from radford. I've hung out with Erin a bit so far this break and thats been awesome. I'm really glad to have her in my life. Shes been there for everything since 4th grade. My goal this summer is to hang out with more people. You never really know how long you have. I know how people can get dependant on other people though because its really nice to have someone there to talk about your days to and to be there to listen. I'm gonna turn off the moniter for a while because bugs are all around here buzzing and stuff. I'll probably update more often because its summer and I don't really have much more to do

I've had a pretty shitty week and I just wrote a little something about it:

Everyone says that I have this protective wall

Friends fight and bicker over something that shouldnt have started at all

Then people say that i have a hard time showing my emotions because I'm so gaurded

Word after word come like bullets... I feel so bombarded

Friends today seem to give up when the going gets rough

But don't they understand that friends need to be there for the tough stuff

I've been hurt by people year after year

You'd think taht by now I should see it in the clear

My biggest worry will come in December

Who will be there before I graduate, will they be friends that I WANT to remember...

Current Mood: crushed
Current Music: Michael Buble